A Valentine’s Day Love Letter To Jesse Eisenberg

by: on | in Celebrities | 13 Comments

All week long until Valentine’s Day, each Teen.com editor will be writing a very special love letter to his or her celebrity crush. Check back at 12pm ET every day to read ’em!

Dear Jesse Adam Eisenberg,

Ok, I know you hate attention, think you’re too awkward and you basically wish you weren’t famous, but please hear me out. My love for you started back when we first met in October of 2010. I interviewed you for The Social Network and I’m pretty sure it was love at first sight. We quickly hit it off and bonded over the fact that I have the same name as your little sister, Hallie Eisenberg aka the Pepsi girl. Come on. If that isn’t fate then I don’t know what is.

Forget the fact that after our brief four-minute encounter, I became obsessed. Not, like, in a creepy way or anything, but let’s just say that I spent a lot of time on YouTube watching your Social Network interviews (to make sure mine was better, obvs), and my Netflix was packed to the gills with classic Jesse flicks like The Squid And the Whale and Adventureland. What? I couldn’t stalk you on Facebook or anything. This was my way of learning everything there is to know about my future husband you.

Then began my long journey of adoration for you, when I found and bookmarked amazing Jesse fan pages like f*ckyeahjesseeisenberg.tumblr.com. Watching your promotional interviews on like, every single late night show ever became my evening activity, and I found myself getting jealous of the co-stars you’ve kissed on-screen like Emma Stone, Kristen Stewart and Ari Graynor. Sick? A little. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I soon found out that you have a girlfriend of 7 years who you live with, but whatever. No big. Regardless, I really thought we could make it work. That was until I met you again in August of 2011 to talk about your new movie, 30 Minutes or Less … and you didn’t even remember me. I even introduced myself as “Haley, like Hallie Eisenberg,” but nope. Crickets. Heart. Broken.

But listen, Jesse. I’m not going to let one little episode shatter my dreams. All I’m saying is that we’re soul mates. We’re both Jewish, and you know how Jewish mothers get about reproducing Jewish babies. We’re both from New Jersey and both a bit on the awkward side, so there’s that. And also? I may or may not already know where in downtown NYC you live, so you won’t even need to give me directions to your apartment. And lastly, since we’ve met twice, a third date is inevitable. And you know what’s supposed to happen on the third date. Wink wink.

Love always and (hopefully) forever,

Did you like my love letter? Or was it a little creepy? Which celeb would you write a love letter to? Tell me in the comments, and make sure to come back all week long at 12pm ET for more hilarious notes!

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  • Jo Deb

    Actors of fully Jewish background: Logan Lerman, Natalie Portman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Mila Kunis, Bar Refaeli, James Wolk, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Julian Morris, Adam Brody, Esti Ginzburg, Kat Dennings, Gabriel Macht, Erin Heatherton, Odeya Rush, Anton Yelchin, Paul Rudd, Scott Mechlowicz, Lisa Kudrow, Lizzy Caplan, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Gal Gadot, Debra Messing, Robert Kazinsky, Melanie Laurent, Shiri Appleby, Justin Bartha, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Margarita Levieva, Elizabeth Berkley, Halston Sage, Seth Gabel, Corey Stoll, Mia Kirshner, Alden Ehrenreich, Debra Winger, Eric Balfour, Jason Isaacs, Jon Bernthal, William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy.

    Andrew Garfield and Aaron Taylor-Johnson are Jewish, too (though I don’t know if both of their parents are).

    Actors with Jewish mothers and non-Jewish fathers: Jake Gyllenhaal, Dave Franco, James Franco, Scarlett Johansson, Daniel Day-Lewis, Daniel Radcliffe, Alison Brie, Eva Green, Joaquin Phoenix, River Phoenix, Emmy Rossum, Ryan Potter, Rashida Jones, Jennifer Connelly, Sofia Black D’Elia, Nora Arnezeder, Goldie Hawn, Ginnifer Goodwin, Amanda Peet, Eric Dane, Jeremy Jordan, Joel Kinnaman, Ben Barnes, Patricia Arquette, Kyra Sedgwick, Dave Annable, and Harrison Ford (whose maternal grandparents were both Jewish, despite those Hanukkah Song lyrics).

    Actors with Jewish fathers and non-Jewish mothers, who themselves were either raised as Jews and/or identify as Jews: Ezra Miller, Gwyneth Paltrow, Alexa Davalos, Nat Wolff, Nicola Peltz, James Maslow, Josh Bowman, Winona Ryder, Michael Douglas, Ben Foster, Jamie Lee Curtis, Nikki Reed, Zac Efron, Jonathan Keltz, Paul Newman.

    Oh, and Ansel Elgort’s father is Jewish, though I don’t know how Ansel was raised. Robert Downey, Jr. and Sean Penn were also born to Jewish fathers and non-Jewish mothers. Armie Hammer and Chris Pine are part Jewish.

    Actors with one Jewish-born parent and one parent who converted to Judaism: Dianna Agron, Sara Paxton (whose father converted, not her mother), Alicia Silverstone, and Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

  • Laurie

    I’ve never met you Jesse but we can go directly to the third date.

  • umbreist

    Good choice in celebrity. :)

  • charlie

    Do you meet him twice? And a third date is inevitable? Lucky girl!

  • Savvy

    Awww, I love it! 😀
    Jesse would the perfect boyfriend!

    • Savvy

      I meant to put “be” in there. My bad for my grammatical error.

  • Lori

    Good choice. He’s the Best, as actor as human being.

  • dee

    Can’t you find a better looking Jewish guy to write about being Jewish? Like Logan Lerman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Andrew Garfield. James Wolk is a good one, if little-known.

  • Anonymous

    I would (and have) written a letter to my all time favorite celeb cutie-Celtic thunder alum, damian mcginty!

  • Anonymous

    lol that’s cute!

  • Lauren

    I understand you. I saw the TSN dvd 30 times, I think. Is it normal? What a great actor and nice guy!!!

  • EstherBracha

    umm not creeeepy per se, but you are defs wavering super close to the line of cheating on your boyfriend of almost a year!!! (emotionally at very least)

  • Matt

    “I may or may not already know where in downtown NYC you live, so you won’t even need to give me directions to your apartment.”

    Hilarious. I will now work on my love letter to Kate Upton.